Infinity, prayer and Guru's compassion (a bit of the journey shared)

when i was a child, i wondered about

infinity

how could something go on forever

it just seemed so huge and frankly kind of scary

i thought infinity was more for things like space

and the sky and all of that....

not for a small person like me

i tried very hard to wrap my mind around it

of course this was impossible

when i was a child

the mind kept pondering it and

wondering about something beyond

i noticed miracles all the time

when i prayed or hoped for something

it would come true

and so i kept doing this 

praying and hoping

still - not everything was made right....

i still didn't let go of this praying thing..

when things got hard especially 

(begging more like it)

then one day 

i had a strong urge to meditate

and did so with vigour and discipline

day in and day out

i prayed and asked God to be used 

for the *good of humanity*

it wasn't soon after this that the flood gates opened(kundalini really woke up) 

to write of the experiences that came would take a book

very hard, very scary and no end it seemed (this is it in a nutshell)

i spent a lot of time in nature

alone 

praying

meditating

day in and

day out

one day when the mind was in a terrible spin

and the body was very ill

i used all my praying might to pray for a sincere teacher

and soon after this i found Guruji 

she was in India at the time and said she was moving to Seattle

(which was where i lived)

i knew nothing about a Guru

or anything about the path

i had just concocted my own practice

which wasn't serving me well

(this was obvious due to the shape i was in)

Guruji told me (the first day i met her)

to stop the praying (because these prayers
--as many prayers are )-- are all about **ME and what I want in
MY time.....
this was new news to me

i did what she said

(but it shook me up at first that she took away my

comfort blanket)
i was glad inside, however that this very last prayer
brought Guruji to me --
The greatest blessing one can have in
a lifetime is a sincere Guru
and she is definitely it --
She continued to take things away
(that were not serving me well, of course)
We do not know at the time that we are
our own worse enemy
she said (also, the first day i met her) - that i
needed protection from myself (the ego self)
.... this also shook me up

.....and so the kundalini path began ...

i have been on this path for 13 years...

it is a path that takes lifetime(s)

My son was about 8 when i first met Guru

a lot went on here in the middle -
i steadied out, worked as nurse - took care of my child --
along with much kundalini phenomena (still going on)
Many wonderful times with Guruji
as well as amazing pointings and jewels of her life and
wisdom that she shared.....
much confronting of mind and continuing the
arduous walk and work.... a few dips and one very bad dip
that woke me up to what surrender really is --
and what the compassion in tough love is really about....
it is TRUE compassion and love -- this is 100% known ...

.... also, yes my behavior has tried her nerves at times
and given her a head and heartache...
yes i have been stubborn
yes, i have been afraid (more like **terrified** of letting go)
yes, i have made the same mistakes as everyone else
yes, i have had many moments of tough love from Guruji
(which has been the best blessing ever)
** none get out of this and are treated as special cases ..
what is needed comes...  ***
yes -- yes....i kept going thru it all...
and Guruji's compassion pulled me through
every bit of it
it is the shining blessing of my life...
it is and has been worth every step....

......and the experience with infinity

this is when mind falls away 

one can indeed experience this wondrous state

can speak to this now

from direct experience 

no-mind is infinity...